As a lawyer, I am often called in to resolve conflicts that have spiralled out of control. Usually, a conflict is then at such an advanced stage that only a legal approach seems to offer a solution. However, it is often forgotten that most conflicts primarily have a mental and emotional component that deserve at least equal attention.
This new year will be my 27th year as a lawyer. In all these years, I have seen many cases pass by where people have let their conflicts get unnecessarily out of hand. I also think that in today's society, we do not always view conflicts in a healthy way. On the one hand, the government discourages people from properly settling their conflicts with professional support. On the other hand, every day the newspaper is full of news of conflict situations that have got completely out of hand.
Emotional aspects of conflict
From day one as a lawyer, I see it as my job to manage the conflict situation a client brings to me. This approach is the main reason clients engage me and keep coming back to me.
This does not only involve my legal knowledge. I am convinced that people skills, communication skills, mindset and an understanding of the emotional processes parties go through during a conflict are at least as important.
Follow these 5 tips for conflict resolution
Based on these insights, I come up with these 5 tips that are crucial to follow the next time you face conflict:
1. Step out of your own shoes: empathise with the other person and ask questions first. Analyse the situation objectively, so you can really see both sides of the story. Why are you upset yourself and why is the other person upset?
2. Be understanding: Sometimes all someone needs to calm down is to feel understood. Say something that shows you care about what they have to say.
Before starting your side of the story, understand the other person's point of view. Find common ground and from there, look for a solution you can both be happy with. Offer to talk about feelings. Ask why the other person feels this way and listen first without judging.
It can be tempting to lash out angrily when the other person accuses you of doing something you clearly did not do. However, wait until the other person has finished speaking up before defending yourself.
3. Focus on finding a solution: When faced with a conflict, the most cowardly approach is to be the first to blame the other person. Blaming the other without facing up to your own responsibility is the quickest route to a protracted legal battle. Focus on finding a solution rather than harbouring bitterness.
4. Keep your cool under all circumstances: The easiest way to blow a situation out of proportion is to act and stay angry. Keep your voice soft and under control. Keep your arms by your side. Approach the problem from a teammate's perspective instead of blaming and fighting out the blame game.
Handling conflict gracefully is about being proud of the way you react. If you think you will be embarrassed by your reaction later, it is best to take a different, calmer approach to communication.
5. Take a step back: The most graceful thing you can do to resolve a conflict is to seek an amicable outcome for all concerned. Take a step back; analyse the situation with new eyes and find out what all parties involved are looking for.
Learn to handle conflict gracefully
Dealing with conflict gracefully is a skill that takes practice to develop, but is more than worth the effort. Over all these years, I have learnt that you can resolve conflicts with a gracious attitude, compassion for others and a focus on resolution that allows all involved to feel like a winner.